Even Though I Know…..


I still have these nagging, doubting, negative thoughts about the rest of this pregnancy and in fact the next phase of our lives from a family of 4 to a family of 6.

Even though I know…..

  • that these Braxton Hicks I get all the time is just my irritable uterus responding to the endless kicks and punches from 2 babies, I still wonder ‘is this the start of labour?’
  • that I won’t go into labour this week because the mind and body is so powerful I’m still working out how quickly my husband who is flying to Chicago tomorrow for 4 days can get back in time and who would be my birth partner?
  • that if they were born now at 30 weeks they will be fine but the thought of them being in an incubator in SCBU makes me feel sick
  • that if my Biles Acids are a bit high and my feet are itching at night I can’t change anything, yet I still feel a sense of feeling ‘let down’ by my liver if it does develop into OC again
  • that letting go of the things I can’t control is the best thing I can do for my state of mind, I still lie in bed at night going through ALL the possible birth scenarios
  • that Hypnobirthing does work and will help me remain calm and focussed no mater what birth I have, what if I forget everything we’ve learnt and practised and I end up screaming and losing the plot like some possessed woman?
  • that if I do need a c-section I will be well cared for by the best possible team of people, but the thought of lying there on a theatre table whilst someone cuts me open to deliver my babies feels so unnatural to what I’ve experienced before – it makes me want to weep
  • that there will be 2 brand new tiny humans joining our family, I still feel anxious how it will affect and change our current dynamics
  • that of course I will be able to expand my mothering love to the twins, but what if I have a favourite or bond with one and not the other?
  • that my older two girls will love their new sibling and adapt because that’s what children do but what if they feel so left out and jealous they blame us for the rest of their lives and end up in therapy?
  • that it doesn’t matter how I manage to feed them because they’ll thrive either way, but I know the guilt every new mother feels when breastfeeding doesn’t work and what if I get postnatal depression?
  • that the first few weeks/months will be exhausting but I’ll get through it but the memories of functioning on broken sleep and obsessing over routines makes me feel overwhelmed with fear and I wonder if I’ll ever leave the house again with clean hair?
  • that I have the most wonderful support network around me including my husband, my mum, my doula and amazing friends I still worry about feeling isolated and lonely and the thought of going to baby groups fills me with dread

Even though I know that all these thoughts sound irrational, perhaps even mental I have to trust my YESMUM card that everything will be ok. (goes to wash and fold tiny white babygrows and has a little weep)

15 thoughts on “Even Though I Know…..

  1. I can’t offer reassurance about many of these things, I’m afraid, but please let me reassure you about c-sections – I had what is medically defined as a “shitty old labour” that ended with a c-section and, you know what? I wouldn’t change it for the world! It meant my beautiful baby boy came into the world healthy, safe and totally unscathed. I’m proud of how well I coped and, if that happens to you too, you’ll be an absolute champ, I’m sure. When it comes to being laid on a table cut open, believe me, you won’t be thinking of what ifs and comparisons, you’ll still feel all the overwhelming emotions associated with seeing your babies for the first time. I promise you, it will be special. Two years on I don’t remember the theatre lights or the disinfectant smell or a sense of disappointment, I just remember joy. It was a memorable day for all the right reasons. I wish you lots of positive birth vibes and I hope you get the birth you want, but if it ends up being different to that, just stop being the amazing professional you are and let all the other amazing professionals look after you for a change! Congratulations in advance! And don’t forget big knickers and prosecco for your hospital bag.

  2. Oh honey, I remember those nights filled with dread all too keenly.
    Screw baby groups, they suck.
    If you turn into a mental screaming woman in labour then hi, welcome to the group!
    If you have to get cut open then hi, welcome to the group.
    And if your liver let’s you down just make damn sure you make him pay when you can drink again 😉
    I know it’s shit, and I know this will mean nowt right now, but you can totes do this and soon it’ll all be over and they’ll be here and everything will be utterly fine. I promise x

  3. Hi clemmie,
    Totally understandable that you feel nervous and worried. I am sure it will be alright, you have gone so far – 30 weeks already.
    Re hypnobirthing I did it for my first and then for my second I had a doula (who didn’t make it to the birth, at home, very relaxed and quick). At the last minute I decided to download on iTunes, the natal hypnobirthing CD for a calm birth from Maggie Howell. I listened to it at the start of my labour and fell asleep for 2 hours! When I woke up labour was very advanced and within 1h45 baby arrived! Even if it doesn’t necessarily have the same result that CD is amazing and I would strongly recommend it. It does have an effect on the brain and it did make me completely relaxed. Good luck to you and the twins. I wil follow on your blog x

  4. Awe Clemmie! I just want to give you a hug when I think about what a huge support you were when I had my baby. I hope you have a wonderful midwife there to get you through it like I had! Sending lots of love and support!xx

  5. beautiful, searingly honest post. dear friend — who can say how it will all go (and when) – but one thing you can be sure of: you’ll be surrounded by so much love.

  6. Whatever happens YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT. And yes we will be tired and forget what the “old lIfe” was like. But one thing is for certain. Everything in life, good and bad, is for a reason and in these babies case they will show us the way.MB x

  7. Sending huge hugs. As a mum of 4, I had two older ones and then twins your heart grows so much. They were born by c section as both breech, but hey I wanted what was safest for them and when they arrived at 39+5 I was glad to reclaim my body. It’s normal to worry, but you have the moral support of us all and remember you rock!!!!

  8. Crying and screaming like a posed mad woman is okay. I do it when I have blood tests. A lot. We can be possessed together! (I’m sure you won’t be. You will be fine.)

  9. That you have all these feelings will, I’m sure, make you a better midwife and very empathetic (coming from an anxious pregnant woman at 38 weeks whose midwife is totally useless!) I’m sure you’ll be a brilliant Mum to 4, you sound awesome!

  10. Hi Clemmie, I had fraternal twin girls on my 3rd pregnancy 18mths ago (I have a 6yr old, 4yr old and 2x18mths) and your fears are/were my fears too. The reality is that it will be bloody hard graft keeping all of your plates spinning at once. However the most important reality is that you will just get on with it and do whatever you can to make it work.

    Never say no to help. A set schedule of help from grandparents and/or paid babysitters really helped me so I knew when I had time to myself or could schedule in small snippets of ticking off my To Do list or just go to the bloody supermarket on my own! Obviously the first couple of months will be a blur of feeding, sleeping, no sleeping, nappies and washing and washing and washing (the washing actually never a slows back down ….)

    Twins are a magical ride though. We are super lucky to experience such an amazing feat of the human body and the specialness of two babies at once. I also revel in the satisfaction of getting through each day relatively unscathed :-). It’ll be the small wins that will keep you sane amidst your impending chaos!

    Good luck – you’ll totally style it out because you just will.

    Ps. I used the My Breast Friend Twins feeding pillow. Ugly as hell but couldn’t have done without it. For bottle feeding, I have come across a new Australian product called Twincredible. It’s some sort of moulded unit so you can bottle feed in unison. There aren’t a lot of twin products out there so I was grateful for any recommendations when I had my girls.

  11. All of your fears were the same as my fears when I had my fraternal twins 18 months ago. I too have two older children (4 and 2 at the time of the birth of the twins). However, you just get on with it. The birth outcome will be what it will be and, as all mums know, then the hard work starts. Twins on top of two children already is bloody hard graft. There is no denying it. Take up EVERYONE who offers help. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to use the excuse that your inability to function in the world at 100% is because you have FOUR CHILDREN! The first year is so hard and you will be challenged to your very core every day. When our twins turned 1 it was a turning point both developmentally for them and mentally for me. It gets easier and it gets harder is different ways. Despite the hard work, the sleepless nights and the logistical nightmares of juggling an almost 5 a-side football team, twins are just magical and now they are 18months old, seeing the older two love them as much as they do makes me melt.
    It’s super hard but super rewarding and I’m positive you will style it out like the super Mum you are and will be!
    Sending you all the good vibes I can muster and I wait with baited breath for their arrival!

    Ps. It was hard enough catching up with my own friends let alone going to mothers groups. Don’t go if the thought fills you with dread. You will meet other twin mums naturally along your travels. I know I did.

  12. Oh golly now I’m having a weep and I’m 16 weeks! Still worried nevertheless even though I have 1 and will be a family of 4 and wondering if I can do a natural birth, the first was out of my hand…so how can I physically make it progress to not a c section and to 10cm?!
    Anyway, I’m writing out loud and loving your instagram. Take care x

  13. I really wish I’d read this when I was pregnant with my twins. Although we only went from a family of 3 to 5! All boys, I’m surrounded! I have found the friends I have made with twins are invaluable. They know x

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